ok look guys:
fuck the police: if they were actually good people, actually trying to serve and protect I wouldn't mind them so much. But when they harass and intimidate kids for no good god damn reason, I want to piss on their cars and spit on their shoes. Fuckin give me a panic attack already, please.
fuck the smoking ban
fuck the ave
fuck fuck fuck

the space bar on this goddamn machine is lame lame lame.
I was going to give you some little morsel of my life's current characteristics but I can't bring myself to type more than necessary with this beast.
it suffices to say:
"thunder only happens when it's raining
players only love you when they're playing
[lovers] they will come and they will go
when the rain washes you clean you'll know"

also: I fell in love with Hey (the pixies song)

today I learned how to define multiplication and division on the real numbers (represented as equivalence classes of cauchy sequences of rationals).
I also learned about the axioms of set theory and have, from thence begun to build everything from the ground up in a world where there are only sets (pure set theory buh-bam!). got as far as defining ordered pairs.
last night I watched people and shot the shit with my dearest landlord, Burch, over a plate of delicious seasoned fries at le voyeur downtown. then we went to top foods and stole little bites of candy from the bulk section and systematically smelled all the shampoos and lotions and whatnot in the "natural" section (we found some really interested ones such as: a very good musky boy smell, a dirty firecracker boy smell (tres sexy), a germany/spa smell, a london smell, a childhood hippie smell (we both grew up using the green shampoo with the brown conditioner of deliciousness), a marigold & horses smell, a green smell, and a bubbly-water smell). then we drank beer and watched a terrible tv show and giggled at it.
tomorrow I go to the tonasket barter fair to wander around amongst hippies, shivering and hungry, with my third eye open wide.
just now I was reading some crazy papers my friend wrote and talking about the nature of reality, time, god, etc (all them big things)

this is a pretty good cross-section of my life in olympia.
it's good.
sadly, I am surrounded by amazing people and still manage to feel incredibly lonely. I miss home. I miss the kids down in oaktown, thems that moved to the new york, the pantses up in seatown, the beth's, the "49" bus (I still think 7 in my head), the empty streets of ballard at night, the tree, the tunnel & beach, the ridiculously tragic houses of too-much-partying, the game, the free coffee & icecream on the ave, the the the...
but lets not dwell on this, because now is all we have. speaking of which, why are you staring at a computer? speaking of which, why am I typing this?
(i suppose I care about y'all enough to drop a line now and again after all)

I have problems good. mmmmm yes...

I was tagged! the gasp. here are ten songs that I'm currently digging:

just like heaven- the cure
it's a fire- portishead
a mazzy star song that I dont know the name of
baby's on fire- brian eno
angeles- elliot smith
all is full of love- bjork
climbing up the walls- radiohead
crazy- patsy cline
under pressure- david bowie and queen
sparrow- simon & garfunkel

ps. my head is exploding. I was supposed to leave for oakland this morning but alas I am delayed till tomorrow (hopefully not entirely fogotten). Everything up here is terribly depressing and frustrating. I think I may have rebroken my toe. or something. it's hurting again. I'm excited to go back to olympia and settle in there. I have a new bicycle and a lovely place with an organic garden and a fire pit and a cabinet full of soup. I'm ready to just curl up in a little ball and sleep out the cold, watch the stars move. If I do go to california tomorrow, I'll be riding back up again on thursday with a girl who sounds really awesome on the phone (yay for craigslist). I need to sing.

hello you internet you. well here it is:
complaints: I'm sick of not living anywhere, of couch surfing, of not knowing where I'm sleeping, of imposing on people constantly, of drifting, of this. hopefully I will have a place in olympia soon, been looking at a lot of promising places down there. I'm also sick of trying to figure out how to get down there and what to do once I am down there in order to get around. I miss james and jesse and aslan and karin and paul and and and. I'm bored (I can't believe I let it get to this point)

facts: I'm sleepy and cuddly feeling. I would like to curl up in a little ball and listen to rasputina and simon & garfunkel and bjork and radiohead and cat stevens and mum and trade massages and eat sorbet and chocolate and tea and read and paint and cuddle and yes that would be nice.

contentments: bumbershoot is this weekend and I'm going but not paying, hooray! my birthday is soon, hooray! the weather is lovely and my hair is purple, I like to eat garlic and mushrooms, it's almost mushroom season, this hoodie is very comfortable (as are my boots) and I like it here in the sureshot.
goodnight!

keeping my head together has been quite a task lately. sometimes I am so alive and full and good. this is so sweet it hurts my teeth. other times I am empty and exhausted and afraid, panicky and frustrated. this I want to attribute to antibiotics and stress. (I had strep throat last week) I am so worried by the impending olympia: will I find a place where I can live? will I be able to be alone? will evergreen give me the fear just as much as uw? will I be able to find a job? all these things. I miss certain people already.

last night I banged my head pretty bad. got a big lump, tore up my elbow, bit my lip open, threw my back. I had really intense deja vu laying there on the floor looking up at Rika and Pony Boy. now what I want to know is why the fuck that would give me deja vu...?
BUT I got to sing for the first time in ages. First with Kevin in the back lot and then up at Fu's place too. Oh it was good.
and lately I've been sleeping like ten hours a day/night. hmmph?

I was supposed to leave for mutant fest today... alas everything always falls through. no amie for me (though I do still have his bracelet), no tara the beautiful, no portland folk, no denocturnalization. zugh. please please please does anyone want to go down there with me? it goes till the 15th and I want to beeee theeeeerrreeeeeeee and not here. even if you dont want to stay for a while, I'm sure I could fanagle a ride back to somewhere. I need this.

this is ridiculous. good morning everyone!
I go no where (except briefly) but the cafe and the bar. and yet: there is much to learn from these beloved friends here. love love love.

oh right. everything is beautimous. riiiiiiiiighhht..... *sigh*

1) what's wrong?
2) everything. nothing. panic.
3) drinking doesn't solve things: give me a bourbon on the rocks please.
4) throwing money away, throwing time away
5) where did I loose these things at? leave me alone I'm busy turning into a bat.

my veins are burning me out from the inside?
violently rebelling against this familiar sinking

today is one of those 'everything is soooo beautiful' days.
I had a panic attack today: I dont want to leave seattle, the cafe, the people, my home. fear of loneliness, artistic stagnation, fear of letting go.
I also danced and danced to this crazy mexican music until I fell over, had tea and tra la la'd my way on to the internet here. I like sleeping the day away and staying at the cafe forever and not seeing so many people but simultaneously seeing most of the people I need to see and smoking too many cigarettes and drinking too much coffee and going to the bar at seven in the morning only to stumle out into the blinding 10 in the morning sun looking like a drunk ragamuffin. I like hoodies that are far too big and slippers that barely protect your feet and adorbly ugly frog puppets that you win at bingo (his name is gulliver gregory flinn). thanks for the heartache and I'll see you in the morning, love.

oh right. this thing. uuuuhhhhhh...
I'm back in sea-town. have been for a little bit now. the trip was good, didn't go to california. portland got a A +++ and I think everything is going to be ok, though it is the end of the world pretty much now. happy birthday everyone!

I am in portland with caitlin, staying at aubrey's place. it is good. more on this later I suppose.

and once again, I have relearned how to simply be, in awe of the beauty surrounding me and suffused with the magic of life. how wonderful it is to be back and alive! I hope all of you have had amazing soltices and full moons as well. everything about the past 24 hours has been perfect- a perfect sunset, visiting my friend's ghost in the lake, midnight, starlight, fire rites, sun dancing sunrise, napping in a peaceful house, delicious lunch of carrot soup and banana basil smoothie, painting in the park, singing under the bridge, watching the storm, baking pancakes with good friends, everything! everything! everything!


(other updates: .hooray oly & o-fair. .I'm no longer wearing the dreadful boot but my foot is certainly not done yet and it hurts but that's ok. .I am almost completely untangled from the terrible 50th st. house. .sigh.)

I dreamed silly meaningless things again about passing out in grocery stores, theft and soccer mom skips. I also dreamed that it was solstice and I was alone standing at the edge of a cliff wondering if I would fly if I could just gather up the courage to walk over the edge.
I am so completely lost lost lost. I dont remember who I am, I dont know what I'm doing. fluh.

in other news:
caitlin and I are coming to olympia soon. We are planning on leaving seattle on the 25th and staying down there for a few days and then heading down to portland. then possibly back to olympia and then the OCF. Tashina I've decided I'd like to just go with you if that would work. and stuff. We need to couches to stay on in Oly though! zork says I!

1. red wine & delicious foods
2. good music
3. good company (social experiment: evan + james + monica = ??)
4. good book
5. playing dress up
6. relaxin' all cool
7. soaking up sun
8. a phone call concerning a large shipment of magical edible treats

unfortunately, the end continues to be nigh and I am still broken

oh. and I watched blue velvet with iverson last night. that was a fucking fucked up movie. the obvious mockery of hollywood endings was probably 'quite good' but it was so distrubing that I was just glad it was over. fuck man. david lynch is scary. he's on my list of people not to meet.

blargh.
let me tell you: breaking things is no fun. I am so helpless and slow and tired and wobbly. It took me an hour and fifteen minutes to walk to work at the UW from 58th & 16th. I cant carry things or go places or run or dance or swim. I am whiney and lame and constantly relying on other people to get/hold stuff for me, take me places and generally revolve around me. I need to find my cats, I need to get the rest of my stuff out of my old house and to (somwhere?). I need to destroy everything. I also lost my purse yesterday somewhere in between work and the piano practice rooms in the music building (contents: ten dollars, debit card, i.d., bus pass, phone numbers, haifa's necklace, cedarwood oil, sandlewood body incense, luckily no checks). This, for some reason, doesn't upset me so much as depress me because I'm so poor I shouldn't be using my debit card anyway though I could really have used that ten bucks and I cant make a fake bus pass unless I have my old one which I can't replace because I dont go to the uw anymore and I cant get my paychecks without i.d. and obviously haifa's necklace is irreplacable. etc. I'm also vaguely homeless (living at the dollhouse), hungry, not entirely over my ex boyfriend from a while ago, suffering from intermittant attacks of nihilism and quite useless (quite hungry). at least the weather is nice.